Thursday, May. 11, 2006
myspace got me by the balls
myspace got me by the balls
myspace kicked me in the ass...
im a myspace hooker now...
healthy? i think not
So, I went to the doctor today thinking I was as healthy as can be. Just a little big was all. I walked in the doctors office not on any type of medication at all.
I walked out with 4 prescriptions, a diet plan, 2 samples, and a paper for blood work needing to get done.
So yeah, doctors ROCK!
king of the zone....
So I am no longer infatuated with the asshole anymore. He might or might not have had sex with one of my friends. I will never know the truth but I can only trust people. She is saying no he is saying yes. So who knows? I trust my friend whole heartedly cause she has never wronged me before, however he is very pesuasive. So I will never know the whole truth. I have decided to not let it bother me anymore cause there is nothing I can do about it. So I just don't talk to him about her nor talk to her about him and I think its ok. But hes bad for me and I know it. I am no longer obsessing over it. My family thinks we are like b/f and g/f and I never thought he would ever really meet my family (in the friend sense) but he did today. And he got kinda mad that my family thought we were like a couple. I never said anything to them to make them think that other than I liked him. But what can I do?
So I hope we are in the "friend" zone, because I dont want to lose him as a friend. It just might be a little harder that I thought. Its hard to go from one sone to the other (even though he was never in that zone just me) and then for both parties to feel ok with it. I'm sure he will continue to be the same sarcastic asshole he has always been.
why......
I am still alive. I have just been messing with my myspace page. I have become kind of obsessed with it I suppose. My life sucks by the way. Nothing has changed for the good. I am still going to school, work, doing my thing. I am still single and lonely. So yeah. I know, why even keep a diary huh?
i hate it
Right about now my life sucks hardcore. It is horrible. I can not even sit in my own living room. it is a crock of shit. I hate it.
to him....
So I created a myspace page. You can find it here. I made it in hopes of finding someone who will like me for me, for my size and all. I am tired of being unhappy, really tired. I no longer feel like going to work or coming home. Where else is there to go? I feel like I have no where to go. I feel lost in my own world. What am I supposed to do? I like him but he makes me unhappy. He makes me unhappy because I could never have the relationship I want out of it. And I know I am just wasting my time. It is so hard to change my feelings though. I try day in and day out with no success. I am trying to keep busy but I still have to come home to him sitting in my living room, to him talking to him, to him being sarcastic and witty, to him in general.
To him.
in the ass I say
I am undergoing a little change in my life. Why be so pissed off all the time? Why let people get to me so easily? I mean it just makes me more pissed off that I let myself get so mad, you know what I mean? So why let myself continue to be so upset about life? It's just not worth it. I mean I can continue to get mad over this fuckwad or I can just tell myself that it is not worth it for me to get mad in this situation. Because I can not change it. I can not change the way he feels about me. I mean it says alot when I ask him "in 5 years what would you think of me if I lost 100 pounds?". The answer he gave me? "I don't know." If he was any sort of a decent human being at all, and was all my friend like he said he is, he wouldn't have said that. He would have said "that doesn't matter, we are just friends." So this whole he is not attracted to me thing has nothing to do with friendship it has to do with the fact that I am fat. So fuck him in the ass I don't care anymore.
tequila
Tequila kicked my ass and called me slinky. Let't just say I got wasted and did some crazy shit. I did not however have sex because the guy I was throwing myself at rejected me. Oh yeah and I professed my love to him continuously (or so I am told).
Totally blacked out.
I love tequila.
drowning
So I am a little drunk. And I fully believe that being drunk will drown out my grief, my love, and my sorrow. I am literally drowning in my grief. Let me have that one little thought. Please.
bittersweet
Still friends. YAY! He even told me himself last night...
"We can't be together, then I will lose you as a friend."
Bittersweet indeed.
exhaustion
I'm exhausted. I have not felt this tired since I worked graveyards. The only person to blame is myself though. My eyes are heavy and I am a crabby person. I just need to sleep, however I like staying up and talking to him, especially when he all opens up and tells me things.
And that is exactly why I am exhausted off my ass.
travesty
So we are destined to be friends forever. Or as he told one of my girl friends, "buddies" forever.
Lucky me. I'll have all the wonderful conversation in the world, with no sex. It will totally suck ass I am sure.
Screw him for not seeing a good thing. Screw him for not being attracted to me. He even said to my friend he might be able to look past the weight issue, but that he just is not attracted to me "like that."
What is it about me that is not attractive? And is it like that for all guys? Am I just going to be "friends" with every man I meet?
It's a travesty.