Friday, Jun. 20, 2003

Today is the first day of my life.

Today is the first day of my life.

I can do this. I can conquer this fat with my hands tied behind my back.

I have tried too many times to lose this burden that is upon me. This fat that surrounds my body. But this time I will MAKE it happen. I will DO this.

This isn't healthy. 136 pounds is healthy, maybe even 160 in my case, but 240 is NOT healthy by any means. Fat has fought with me since I was 6 years old. I was never skinny (and I don't want to be now). I just want to be healthy. I want to be able to run, jog, exercise, without heaving, without panting. It surrounds my heart, it takes everything out of me, it is killing me.

Yes people I am on a diet. And as much as I want to say it is strictly for health reasons, that would be a lie. It is for a multitude of reasons.

First of all, it is for myself (that is the number 1 reason). I want the sense of satisfaction. I want to say "I did it." I want to laugh in people's faces who thought it could never happen. I want to wear a sice 10 not a size 24. I am doing this for myself.

Another reason is for someone else. Of course it is a guy. And I know he should like me for me and blah blah blah. And he does like me for me. We laugh together, poke fun at each other, even eat together. That is not the problem. We have that little connection with one another. The problem is I don't think he is confortable with my size. I think that is I was smaller he would make me more than just his friend. I further more know that because he checks out the pretty skinny girls, but he doesn't talk to them as much as he talks to me. He just looks at them. Now, I admit he never just stops to stare at me, but I think talking is a lot more important than looks. And I really like him. Really Really Really like him. I get little flip flops in my stomach when I think about him. I guess it also does not help that I am kind of like his boss (or going to be anyway).

I have been somewhat depressed for the last two days. I just want to be with him. I don't want him to think I am going all crazy like his ex girlfriend did but I do want him to know that I like him. I just don't know how to tell him. It would be weird, it would put a damper on our relationship (friendship really). Yesterday he thought he made me mad and was begging for my forgiveness. That has to mean something right? Well, he is giving me all the motivation I need to do this, to lose this weight. It is part intrinsic and extrensic motivation, smast ain't I?

Today is the first day of my life, my dieting life anyway. And it is going to be a rough and hungry life but I am going to live on to see the day where I can hold him in my arms and he can hold me in his (unlike now he probably couldn't even put his arms around me). So stomach watch out! You'll be hungry sometimes. But you'll make the body look so much better in the process.