Monday, Mar. 10, 2003

My feelings are what entrap me everyday.

My feelings are what entrap me everyday.

So I am sitting here in my brother's trailer thinking about things. I have many things to think about right now.

First of all I am 20 years old, turning on 21 in July, and as I stated I am living in my 17 year old brother's trailer. Mainly because I don't have the money to get a place of my own.

Second of all I am awaiting a promotion so that I can get money to get a place of my own. It wouldn't be that bad awaiting my promotion if it wasn't from a RESTAURANT. Now I am not saying anything is wrong with that. It is just when I was in high school I did not think that this was how my life was going to be. I thought that right now I would be sitting in a dorm, or an apartment, and be going to college. But no I am sitting at home, not going to school, and working at a barbecue restaurant. The sad thing? Other than that that is? Is that I am actually good at my job. And I think i want to be, I want to keep it. But I didn't want this. I don't want to still be at this job years later thinking, "why the hell am I here?" And the thing is I know I will be. I know I will still be there. I might be in a managorial position, collecting salary, but I will be there.

Something else I have been thinking about is that I still owe money on a car I totalled, even though I had full coverage. I still owe 900 bucks. Plus I am getting a car from my friend's parents to where all I have to do is fix it up. It just needs a new engine. I know that is a lot but being as I don't have to pay for the car itself I find that to be cheap. But, as I said, I still have to pay off the other car, which sucks.

I feel like my life is useless. I feel like I live for nothing. My feelings are what entrap me everyday. I want to feel free again. I want to go back to high school and re do everything, fix everything I fucked up in my life. I know it could be worse; I could be starving, homeless, or I could be like everyone else in my family and have had a child and not even have graduated high school. However, sometimes I feel like they have it easier than I do. They don't have to think about their lives, it has already been planned out for them. I, on the other hand, have my whole life to think about. And I only see myself as a manger for a restaurant.

The problem with that is, I wanted better for myself. I wanted to prove to everyone that I was different. That I could make something of myself. But I fucked that up to, just like everything else.

*sigh*