Saturday, Jan. 11, 2003

Who says life goes according to plan?

Who says life goes according to plan?

Weird things keep popping up in my head. Very weird things.

A few days before Christmas some of you may remember that I "did the deed" with "theguywhocan'tdoit." Yeah well I am thinking he may not be able to "do it" but I am pretty sure he gets his rocks off doing nothing. And, may I ask, does all his rocks go? Yes, I have wondered about that for a few days. Ever since I have been late starting my monthly present that I am supposed to get.

I never use protection when I am with him. I mean it is not like I would be using it to protect me from STD's, because let's face it I am sure not many girls would put up with his way of having sex. Plus I a more than sure that he has not been with anyone. I would only really use a condom for pregnancy. And when shit like this happens, we don't usually have the time to stop and be like "hey where's the rubber?" So we don't use one.

(Which by the way I guess makes me some what happy. Because I know he has been with someone else and made himself wear one then, but when with me he doesn't. You think that means anything?)

Well, before I never thought about the consequences. Which makes me think about it a little more. Why now am I thinking that I could be pregnant? Is it because my body is different somehow? Is it that my mind is telling me that I am? Because I never thought about it before. And that is because one time I even missed a whole MONTH before I started again. It is very weird indeed.

I mean with my finances being the way they are right now, the last thing I need is to worry about a baby. Jokingly, I told people that if I was pregnant I was going to sell the baby for $125 thousand dollars. Now, we all know that ultimately I WON'T, but it was just a funny thought.

What would I do if I was pregnant? I always looked down upon my cousins because they didn't finish high school and because they got pregnant at early ages. I would be doing the same thing. Only I wouldn't graduate from college. Well I would tell myself that I would go back but if it actually happened I don't know what I would do.

Plus, will he get with me if I was pregnant? Would he want to marry me? Will he even think it is his (even though I KNOW it would be)? Or will he be like my father was, a dead beat dad that doesn't give a rat's ass about his children?

I don't know what I want. I mean I think about it and it seems ok to have a baby. I mean I did wait until I was 21. But then I step back and think that my life is not even complete yet. I have a whole timeline that I want my life to take. Graduate, career, husband, stability, then a baby.

Then again, who says life goes according to plan?