Thursday, Jan. 02, 2003

Willpower is the key.

Willpower is the key.

Well I broke my "no new year resolution" pledge. It is not really a "resolution" perse. It is more like a "change in lifestyle."

I have this book. I have had this book for like years. It is one of those books you buy from Barnes and Noble that is just an empty book. It is meant for journaling. Well I have opened and closed that book twice already. The first time I tried to use it was for the purpose the book was made for, journaling. But I find that it is easier to do that online. The second time was more of a "Bridget Jones" approach. I was putting my weight, how much I worked out, stuff like that. Well, obviously, neither of the two worked out. So now I am using it for a different reason.

I came to the conclusion that it really isn't how much I eat but what I eat that has gotten me to the size I am at now. So I am using this book to write down everything I eat everyday. I am going to do this. I need to do this. This will put everything into perspective for me. Maybe I will transfer it into an online diary such as this. However, for some weird reason, this is more personal to me. I don't know what more personal my life could be but I think this is. My weight is highly personal to me. It has led me a treacherous path through the years. I plan on changing that.

Willpower is the key. My attitude on food is "there is so much good food out there, why not eat it?." However, that can lead to devastating effects, and it has.

Let's spill it out on the table shall we? I weigh 245 pounds and I am a size 24. I am gigantic. Massive. I hear shit about my weight everyday. People can say something thinking that it has nothing to do with my size, but when turned and twisted around it does. Everything is about my size. My life is revolved around it.

Now many people will think I am doing this for what other people think. For acceptance, for love, for overall societal purposes. But I am not. Now I have not gained weight in a while, I have pretty much stayed idle in my weight. However I am sure my heart is not enjoying all this poundage and fat it has surrounding it. I know I am not anyways.

Plus, I sometimes can't help but wonder "will my life be different if I was skinny. Will society accept me better if I was not overweight."

Then I snap back to harsh reality and my fuck society approach. I don't think my size should affect my way of life. But it does. Just as minorities, homosexuals, etcetera have discrimination, so do fat people.

But this will change things. For myself, my friends, my family, my heart, society, everyone. I am going to lose this weight. I am going to do it my way. I will watch what I eat. Not just watch it enter my mouth, but I will thoroughly eat better. Eating better could only make me better. I do not expect drastic results, but it will make me healthy.

And that's all that matters really, isn't it?