Monday, Sept. 16, 2002

who can blame me?

who can blame me?

Wow it has been four days since I updated. I think that has been the longest gap between updates since I started this thing.

Well I finally had a day off today. And I mean it was so relaxing I just slept all day long. It was great. You see it is my first official day off because I only have one day off a week usually and it is always Tuesday. That is because I have school all day so they have to give me off that day, so ultimately I still don't have it off. But this week they gave me Monday and Tuesday. I was so excited. I got to rest and sleep off what I did last night...

"What did you do last night," you ask? Well I drank, hung out with my friends, and rank some more. It has been so long since I got drunk. And I don't think I was too "shitfaced" because I remember what happened. And that is everything that happened.

Yep, you guessed it, I had sex. With one of my good friends. Now you have to understand where this is coming from. It is not like he was just like "hey you wanna fuck?". Because he wasn't. He does this all the time when he is drunk. He only (well before last night) rubbed up on me and we did you know just the foreplay stuff. But I guess last night I was just like "I'm going all the way." He has tried to have sex with me before but I never let him do it until now. I kind of think I might have a thing for him, you know sex usually makes a person think twice about their feelings for a person. And I know if he was to ask me out I would say yes. But the thing is I don't think he likes me like that. But I think about it all psychologically and this is what I wonder.

Does he only do this when he is drunk to have an excuse as to why he is doing it?

So he has a justifiable reason when he asks himself why?

Does he like me?

Does he want me when he is not drunk but is just too embarrased to admit it?

And, even though he would not like to admit it, he has an unconscious desire to the bigger type of women. You see he has only had sex with one other person in his life and she is also big. I tell him this all the time and he just laughs. But I think it is true.

And the story gets better. We were up all night (not having sex watching movies) and somewhere in the middle of John Q is when it happened. But then, with my grandma awake in the next room, he starts rubbing up on me again like I am going to fuck him with my grandma next door. I don't think so.

All I want to know is if I was good? I think I might have made a lot of noise. And then when I think about it more I think, well I know, that he now has a little piece of me that I can never get back. And that is my virginity. Yep I was a virgin. No more. And, to most, this would cause an usual strain on their friendship. And I think it is going to mine also even though we both pretended like nothing happened. Some people can just go out there and do stuff like that but I don't think I can. I always get to emotional and attached. Well I can't even really say always because this is my frist time. But I am looking at him differently now.

Then again, who can blame me?